I'm in my mid 20s and as of late, I feel so.... purposeless. In my head, I know this is not true. I know that I am a daughter of the King, I know that my life is full of purpose and meaning and beauty, but I don't feel it. And I rely heavily on feeling, on intuitiveness, and discernment.
The discerning part of me tries to console me by reminding me of the promises from Heaven... and I believe that, but when you've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and WAITING... it seems like it may never happen.
I have been wanting to get married for what seems a very long time... and it's not something that I can just make happen. I can't make a guy be interested in me(let alone the right guy), or love me... and that's what's so beautiful and terribly frustrating about the human heart.
We have free will in whom we choose to love, therefore, when someone chooses to love you, it is privilege to receive that love.
And oh, how I long for that love.
But I am not desperate... or at least I keep telling myself that.
I also want to be a mom.
Again, I can't control that. I mean sure I could do artificial insemination(which no offense to anyone, but that grosses me out) and yea I could adopt, but I don't want to do it alone. If I am going to make a clear decision, it's going to be to raise children with a mother and father present in their lives... and sure I can't control everyone's destiny, and I understand that people die unexpectedly, but all I'm saying is that I wouldn't choose to have children without a spouse.
So, this also something that I have no control over.
May I just say that marriage and parenthood are a privilege? I see so many people taking it for granted and it... well, it pisses me off.
Like when coworkers state that their spouse is driving them crazy or didn't do this or that, or they dishonor their spouse by talking about them.
1. Talk to your spouse about your marital problems, not your coworkers
2. I understand that marriage is hard, I've never done it, but I understand... think about not having your spouse in your life
3. Try your best not to take them for granted, because they chose to love you
(All perspective of a single person)
A lady I worked with smoked during her last term of pregnancy... it made me cry. She was having a little girl(what I want) AND SHE WAS SMOKING. Many people didn't know she was smoking, and would praise her and say that she was going to be such a good mom. "Good Mom" MY ASS. I bit my tongue and cried in the bathroom on several occasions over this.... yea, I cry in my work bathroom.
I cry in my work bathroom at least twice a week if not more, these days.
I cry for different reasons... here's a few
1. I'm doing clerical work with Bachelor's degree.
2. I want to be a mom.
3. I want to get married.
4. I get paid $9 hourly.
5. I have no community.
6. No one at work will go eat lunch with me.
7. My boss treats me like an idiot.
8. I read the credit card statement of a super rich lady and saw where she spent more at Anthropologie than I earn in a week and a half.
It's just a lonely sad season.
One where Friday and Saturday nights are spent by myself.
One where I keep meeting all these wonderful men who are married with kids(isn't it ironic)
One where I work with a man who is very much similar to the guy I loved so much for so long
One where I am forced to face my issues of jealousy of the wealthy
One where I am community-less
