another sad christmas

Listen, this is not the Diaries of the Girl who got everything she wanted. So things are real. And disappointing. And sad. And ANNOYING. And disheartening. And funny. And sometimes happy. So read on if you can deal with the real.

I'm not sure what has happened, but I have become the scrooge of Christmas.

I HATE Christmas. Like, there wasn't even the tiniest drop of joy in my heart this year. Or the year before.

It might've been that I was fired from my job 3 weeks ago, or that it was 80 DEGREES outside, or that every Christmas I am a year older and I still have no significant other.

Anyways, maybe I'll find that joy and happiness during this time of year again, one day.

I want to say this in hopes that it won't hurt my family... if they ever read this.
Lets do Christmas differently.
I know we aren't wealthy and can't do a cruise or even a trip to the mountains, but lets go to the beach and shoot fireworks, or lets donate time to a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen on Christmas Eve/Day.
Lets do away with what we've been doing for so long!

Honestly I hope to do Christmas differently next year. I have always wanted to do a Friends-mas!
Or just be somewhere where it's snowing, or at least cold!

I know Christmas is not about getting gifts, but gift getting/giving is one of my love languages.
Which brings me to this.

This year, I met an awesome couple and walk their dog-child occasionally.
SO I have been walking/sitting their dog-child for about 6 months. We became friends over that time and I LOVE them!! They invite me over for dinner all the time and spoil me with free booze and yada yada... here's where I'm going.... they gave me a Christmas present... and you guys... it was the sweetest thing. As we were sitting and chatting before dinner, I was handed a sparkly pink and orange box with a festive bow.
Upon removing the bow, I see the print "COACH"... what the... I think I said something like "I hope this is from little China in New York". I opened the box and was greeted with a card and a sparkly, black, COACH wristlet. I wanted to cry. I had never been given something like this before. My mom has gifted several nice items over the years(including a car, some college, she's spent a ton of money on me), but she is terrible with surprises/doesn't know what to pick for me, so long story short... this was the 1st time I had ever received a really nice surprise gift that I adored.

That doesn't mean that I'm ungrateful for any past presents from ANYONE!!!

I just have never received a gift like that(something that I really really like, and a surprise too). It's just a really sweet feeling of being appreciated, and to say the least, I love that bleeping wristlet.

Christmas of 2016, here's to looking forward to you. AND A COLDER CLIMATE

P.S. I forgot to mention that I came down with a 24hr stomach virus the day after Christmas. So I'll spare the details of vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, headaches and just tell you it was HELL.

I Was Fired

Yep.

You read that correctly.... Fired.

Terminated, Let go, Laid off, Discharged, Dismissed

All of the above.

I have NEVER been fired. Never.

This happened approximately 3 weeks and 2 days ago. Right after I returned from Thanksgiving holiday, I was supposed to have my "6 month review" and they FIRED me. Without warning. For "unsatisfactory" job reasonings... some of the reasons were that "I did not ask enough questions".
Um, excuse me? I feel like if I had asked questions, I still would have been fired and the reason would have been "You're asking so many questions and we do not think you comprehend the job at hand>"

It's taken time to get my thoughts together and organized to comprehend the whole situation.

Here's what I know.

Alabama is an "At Will" state.
They can fire you anytime for anything.

I was not given fair warning.

The lead supervisor TOOK A PERSONAL CALL DURING MY TERMINATION.

I was not given proper instruction on Retirement, Insurance, Etc.

I was walked to my desk to gather my things then I was walked to my car... like a criminal.

Here's what I feel.

I was on someone's shit list.
Probably because I voiced on several occasions that I hadn't been trained properly.

I was ganged up on by supervisors and plotted against to make a case.

My lead supervisor and her replacement are TWO FACED HOES.

If I were an African American woman, this might not have happened.

Here's where I'm headed.

I'm 27 years old, and I'm only 4 years out of school. It's been somewhat of a rocky journey, and so far this was the best job(financially) that I had ever had.
So, losing that was rough.
I am thinking it is time for a lot of change.
I a dreaming up some things I would have never done in the past.
I am trying, trying not to feel super rejected.".

It's been hard though. Especially since I was working so hard at this job, and then they say "I'm unsatisfactory". I feel like that was something they had to say in order to make a case, but still.. I was actually doing my job.

Even though I have been quite with how I feel, and I am not super boisterous about this truth... I know that the Lord has plans for me. I am holding onto that.

Even though it's only a quite whisper in my heart, I still believe it.

Even though there have been days I have felt hopeless and there have even been days that I busted out crying while watching the Kardashians because they have no financial worries...(stupid, I know)... I'm still trying to believe it.

SO with all of that,  I'm hoping for great things for the future and crossing my fingers for a good job and a good community and a good city.

let me bitch

Ok, Social Media, OKAY!!!

I already have enough complaints about social media, like how we should never know as much info about our ex-boyfriend's sister's boyfriend's brother.... like that he was good friends with with a guy I had a class with.... or that all the people I went high school and college with are mostly married and are birthing babies left and right!

I mean God said to go forth and multiply, but I feel like social media puts multiplication on huge display, and every single picture, from the pee stick... to the belly pics.... to the baby shower... to the birth.... to the monthly pics... GEEZE EFFING LOUISE.

I know as much information about my high school friends' children as I do my own nieces and nephews. That seems bizarre to me.

Not to mention, that at one point in history, Facebook was strictly for college kids, and even though I don't fit that category any longer.... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!

I mean before I knew it, my Mom, my Grandmothers, MY DAD... were all on Facebook(and mind you, this all happened while I was still in college). I was mortified and also felt like my privacy was being invaded. I wanted my own thing with people my age. I wanted to live a free social media life without having to put on a facade in order not to upset family members. Those days were long gone... and conversations were arising revolving around Facebook "Hey did you see on Facebook?" "I posted a pic on Facebook" "Did you see that argument on Facebook" "The Christmas event is on Facebook"  UGH.
And I even remember receiving a specific Facebook message from my mother stating that something I had posted was offensive.

Thank God they came up with options to BLOCK people, because I definitely did, and my mother was first on my list.

So I did regain some privacy, but damn then everyone and their sister was getting engaged... those were some sad social media years(2010-2013). Lots of crying and feeling like a failure.

But then I got over it, and smiled through most of the wedding pictures... cried through some.

BUT THEN THE BABIES CAME. And I couldn't handle it.

All these feelings of want, and not getting what you want and watching assholes get what they want... and my biological clock seemed as big as Big Ben.

I HAD TO GET OFF FB STAT. And I did, and it has been over a year and it's been the best decision I've made for my mental health.

I will say that FB is not all bad. I know that people have raised lots of support have found lost family members, and even lost animals. But it's just not my cup of tea.

I do, however, have an instagram, which I love.
Information, but not too much.
And if someone is posting 10 pics and hour, you just unfollow. So simple.

I will say some people I follow take A LOT of pics of their kids, and it's a little exhausting.... like I just saw your kid 7 hours ago on here doing the exact same thing... what has changed?

But in all fairness, I'm not a parent, and I don't know what loving my own child is like. I'm sure I would want to capture all the sweet moments because kids grow so fast.... so expect me to post 20 pics a day when I have kids

I did log onto FB maybe a month ago to look at a friend's life situation, because for the most part, her life is up to date on the FB, so I checked in and it was nice and I thought ok this isn't so bad, but then I scrolled through my feed seeing all these strange things that I wouldn't have known without fb... like a friend from college had his 1st baby, new engagements, new relationships, and I realized and decided that life is better with a little mystery, and deactivated my account once more.

27 in the Pacific Northwest

I celebrated my 27th bday last week and it was WONDERFUL! 

So much better than my 26th.

 I left work early and headed to Auburn, AL where 2 of my good friends still live. We made dinner and they made me a tiny cake, my favorite, wakey cake. And we ate vegetable pot pie. SO good.

My very wonderful friend Cassie decided to take me to the airport at 3 in the morning because I had scheduled a 7am flight. 

Thanks be to Cassie for that sacrifice. 

Flying to the west coast is awesome because I gained 2 hours! I left at 7:20AM and arrived at 9:45. It was awesome!

I'm going to have to move.

Out of state.

STAT.

I visited the Pacific Northwest last week after my 27th birthday, and I have to tell you that I have a crush.

Crushing on the state of Washington, Oregon, and I feel very certain that I would be into northern California as well.

I traveled to Seattle to visit my best friend after A WHOLE YEAR of not seeing her. 

And oh it was so good to see her. 

I also got to see my good friend and former roomie, who I love so much.

THEN a bunch of my college friends had a reunion in Portland, Oregon.

To say that my heart was full is an understatement.

We all traveled from multiple locations, as far south as Alabama and as far east as Maine, and one traveled from Northern California. 

We got to spend a whole day and night together. Oh me oh my. How I love my Auburn people.

Lets get back to my crushes. 

I have never seen anything like what I saw. Driving down the interstate while gazing at Mt. Rainier in the distance like it was a cloud. I couldn't get over the beauty and grandness of this snow capped mountain. We don't have mountains in south Alabama, so it was difficult at first for my brain to understand that this is what a mountain was. I have also never seen a mountain in real life.

Now I have!

THEN. The trees. Can we talk about the charm of these pointed firs? Christmas like trees lined the interstates and highways.

I felt like I was in another world.

I am only used to oaks, maples, pears and such. But the trees. These trees were grand. They were a dark grey-green-blue. And I loved them. I also saw a few redwoods, and I am just so in love with these trees.

 I think this is the first time I have ever had a crush on nature.

Out of the 5 days I was in Seattle and Portland, it was overcast and misty for only one of those days. Sunshine dominated the rest of the trip.

Seattle is a cool city, with tons of people my age.... which I love very much.

Portland is too cool for words. Like, I immediately came home from Portland and began pricing Subarus. Everything is good, the coffee(the coffee is SO good), the food, the fact that there are people my age, AND nearby mountains and wilderness that I can go for a day hike.

Lets not forget that TRADER JOES is the store of choice in that area. There is not one Trader Joes in Alabama, they are actually almost finished with one in Birmingham(which is 3.5 hours from where I live). I also have a crush on Trader Joes. And Kroger.

And with all sarcasm set aside, I felt closer to God when I was looking at Mt Rainier. 

And I felt like my soul blossomed. AND I was not smoking pot when I was feeling all of these things.

I have never felt that way around nature, and even though I'm not a super outdoorsy person, I see a bright future ahead.

One filled with hiking boots, tents, and sleeping bags.

One where risks are taken!

Quick blurb

I'm headed to Seattle in 2 days, and I could not be more excited!

I get to be with some of the most wonderful humans whilst visiting the west coast FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. 

I might cry, really. 

I have so much to do. So much at work to finish up and pack and one last load of laundry and a small errand, then to Auburn, then chauffeured to Atlanta to catch a 7:30 am flight. Don't even ask me what I was thinking booking that early flight. 

On another note.... Red lipstick is extremely difficult to wear. The stuff gets everywhere. I couldn't imagine eating anything or kissing anyone with this on, but it is a fabulous color. 

The beauty in vulnerability

The beauty of blogging is that you can choose on how vulnerable you opt to make yourself.

Reading over some of my past post are painfully embarrassing, and I almost feel as though I'm naked... On a stage... In front of my closest friends. Yikes. 

But you know,  I chose to volunteer up that information. As sad or depressing, or even boring as it was, I decided to make you aware of the sometimes painful things in life. 

This isn't Instagram.

Life situations are ugly... And sometimes even boring. 

They are not always picturesquely happy and perfect. 

Thank God. 

We need variance. 

On another note......
Something great happened this week, or at least in my book it was great. 

Every month, my employer celebrates employees birthdays.

We all gathered in the break room and I stood to take my place in front of everyone, along with all the other September babies to have the birthday song sang to us.
I acted like it was no big deal, and even that I was a little embarrassed, but truth be told, I felt honored, loved, and cared about.
Even though I have only been working there for 3 months and even though the celebration almost seems like a mandatory act of kindness... I loved it.
I loved that we ate Publix birthday cake at 7:30 in the morning, and that my birthday was publicly recognized.
Recognition feels good to my heart.

That was the first time in the past however long I've been working... 10ish years, that any employer has ever recognized/celebrated a birthday.

My family isn't big on celebrating birthdays either, like after a certain age, the celebrating calms down...... so this was a treat.

I will be in Seattle the day after my next birthday.
I plan to celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. Celebrate.

last month of my 26th year

In about a month, I will be turning 27. 27?!?!!!! 

What on earth, where and what is time? It is fleeting fast and slipping through my hands.
My goodness.
I am thankful though, I am thankful because 26... is one for the shit books for sure.

26, you were hard on my heart, and I felt as if I was going through some horrendous break up on top of losing my mind. You taught me several things with that pain though, or at least the Holy Spirit did, but still, you hurt, a whole heck of a lot.

I am not yet done with 26 yet though... and I have to say that I have been experiencing some redemption this week. Gosh this past week has been so great.


Guys!!(if there are really any of you out there) I present to you... GOOD NEWS. I'm sure past posts have caused you worry of deep depression & potential suicide, but really, I'm fine. I'm coming out of the black hole.

This past week has been so good.
My health insurance started up this month(after 10 months of not having any)... THANK GOD... and I got to see a Dr. for my PCOS... oh I don't think I've mentioned that I have been dealing with PCOS for about 7 years. The side effects are truly monsters, but you take it day by day and try not to get bent out of shape.

I started taking some medicine for this condition, and along with exercise... and in only week and a half, I have been feeling a TON better... oh and I started going to a gym about a week and a half ago and am trying to do cardio 3 times a week, in fact, I'm about to go in the next 30 minutes.

I wouldn't say that I love gyms, but I do love that I only pay $10 monthly and I am really enjoying how good I have been feeling. AKA I have been operating like a normal human.

THEN, I have been getting my face blessed off.

I haven't been to church in........ um maybe almost 3 months.

I found a great church when I moved back to Dothan, and really love their principal beliefs, teachings, etc., but unfortunately I just wasn't able to find a community that I wanted within the church.
I felt as though I needed to be married or have a boyfriend in order to be successful with connecting to some people... and sometimes that's just how it works out.
I would just like to let all married people know once more.... SINGLE PEOPLE WANT TO HANGOUT WITH YOU.
There are definitely no personal offenses towards this church.... sometimes, what you're looking for might not exist within a particular place, even if the rest is wonderful.

I wonder if I'll ever find friends like the ones I've made through Campus Church at Auburn. They are truly my heart and I love each of those humans. But I also believe that there are greater things ahead and just know there are more great friends to be made.


I did finally make it to a different church last Sunday, which was great, and I think I will definitely go back.

BUT back to the blessings. For years, I have been praying a blessings prayer model used in different churches and one of the lines in the prayer states "I believe in jobs and better jobs, raises and promotions, debts paid off, and checks in the mail"... checks in the mail was my favorite line

This week, I have received 2 checks in the mail, and one email offering a small job for some extra cash flow... and even though these checks were small, the meaning behind them is so great.
In my opinion, I have not been an upstanding citizen for the past however many months, but still, the Lord blesses me.

I'll be honest with you and say that I don't even remember the last time I have even tithed.
God surpasses my expectations each time, he inspires me to better my heart with His unfailing love.

The past few months of my 26th year has really been quite refreshing, I hope for continual surprises this month.

COMING SOON..... Trip to the PNW!

roadblocks to dreams

I went to the Grayton Beach yesterday.

Gosh, nothing makes you feel quite like being poor than venturing into a rich beach community. LandRovers, ocean front -newly built homes, and brand name everything galore. Every hand and foot was freshly polished... I mean, you name it, and it was pricy. 

Before we(me and Mom) got to the beach, we stopped at Econfina Springs on the way... a 45 minute drive from my house. I cannot believe that a natural treasure is so close to home. I plan on going back soon with a friend, swimming in the springs and boozing my way down the river, but you know.... tastefully. 

Back to the rich people, I wish I was one of them. I feel like life would be less complicated if I had more money. And maybe your definition and my definition of rich are different. I would consider myself rich if I made 60k or more a year. I think it would be nice to be able to rent... not even buy... but rent one of those beach front homes for a weekend, and it not set me back for a month, or buy a brand new fancy car. I realize happiness is not found in things, but damn, being poor is getting old.

So I decided to go back to school last Spring to pursuit School Counseling(online)... to not only become one of those rich people(kind of), but hopefully really make an impression on children and help them with trials throughout their time in school. 

I put a lot of thought into it as well as prayer. I told myself it would be a trial session. So my first 2 classes were awesome, I loved them and made good grades, but as time has gone on and circumstances have changed, I am starting to have second thoughts. My last 2 classes have not been my favorite. One of my classes was something that was not even needed for my degree but required by the school, the 2nd class has been a nightmare. The school advisor who set me up with the class did not communicate to me that the class would overlap with my last class. So basically, I missed the 1st week of class, and then I ordered the wrong book, so add all these things up plus starting a new job and you have got high stress levels. I have decided to take the next semester off and weigh my options. 

Unfortunately the phrase "you live, you learn" is so true because I did not learn that I would have to partake in a 1 year long, unpaid school counseling internship. This was probably the worst news to learn. I definitely don't want to give up on a dream, but I don't want to have more debt, or continue to live at home for the next 5 year... God, no. Did I mention I lived with my parents?

So I am hoping in the next few months to establish a group of contacts to point me in the right direction because I am sure I am not the only person who has run into this roadblock. However, I do roll my eyes whenever I think of other people who do this internship without any worry because their parents or spouse supports them financially through the process. Lucky them. 

Anyway, I will reevaluate soon... and hopefully, just hopefully, things will opt in my favor.

My dream is not to be rich... I just don't want financial worry, I guess no one does.  I would also like to live in home free of infestations complete with central heat and air, and running water.

OKAY, moving on!

Little Summer Weekends

The past 2 weekends have been filled with mini reunions with friends.
Chattanooga and Auburn were on my list of destinations.
To say that it was medicine for my heart is an understatement.

Each of the 3 girls I got to visit with and catch up with are all so different from each other and each friendship means different things, but they each have walked with me in different parts of my journey and I love each one of them.

Chattanooga is such a fun city! If I were a more mountain-y and outdoorsy person, I could see myself living there, BUT they do have a WholeFoods and I am very much okay with that.
My dear friend and her husband live there and they are just so cute. They just bought a house, have good jobs, have a dog... you know... just living the American dream, and they really love the area, and I am really really happy for them.

UGH I love Auburn.
I just got back last night, and gosh I LOVE it. And I say "ugh" in a way that means something along the lines of "I really like the new Asian supermarket, World Market, and Kroger, along with some other food related things..... but my community is no longer there and I don't want to be that girl who can't let go of her college years" I just really like that Auburn is somewhat of a mixing pot. A small mixing pot, but still a mixing pot.
I really love different cultures. I mean heck, I hope I have mixed race kids! But shhhhhh don't tell my family. Too late, they now already know.
Can't wait for a new acceptance of different races to fall on my family, but that's another blog FOR SURE.

SO yea it's been great hanging out and drinking and swimming and getting cat therapy. Also hit up a super sale at Ulta.... I know you are dying to know all of these lame details.

I bought my favorite beer and brought it home. Left Hand Nitro Milk Stout. Gosh it's good, and I cannot find it in Dothan. Sad, but true story... so that makes me happy


ALSO super random, but I am very much into the weeknd these days, like his music is my jam, but I just realized half his songs are about drugs "I can't feel my face when I'm with you" is definitely about being so high that you can't feel your face. Gosh WHY. Well, I am still going to listen to it and just pretend that his face is numb due to an absence of blood flow because it's all flowing to his heart... Ideally.

Coming up next. Creek Adventures

Note to self (It's a long note)

This is a note to self about a few work related life lessons.

I remember my college graduation like it was yesterday.

SO thrilled that I was DONE and hot as HELL in that stupid black robe in the middle of May.

Just a side note, they take your picture when you shake hands with the president (at my time in 2012, it was President Jay Gogue of Auburn University)... and um, you can totally see my spanx peeking out from underneath my dress... which is documented for all time. 

But I was so freaking happy that I didn't care. Still don't.

I spent a few days in Savannah, GA with my mom(it was my graduation present)... and it was WONDERFUL.

When I returned to Auburn, I immediately started applying to jobs. I had a good friend connect me with the owners of a photography company where I would spend the next 5 weeks in hell.

I was 23, newly graduated, and earning $9 an hour. I got manicures every week, ate out, and lived the good life for a solid month.

The bosses were so weird. They would randomly stand behind me as I edited pictures and micromanage my work, they would throw fits if I accidentally jammed the envelope machine(which I did on a regular basis... sometimes just to piss them off)

The secretary told me all of my scented lotions smelled too strong.

AND I did not have air conditioning in the part of the building I was working in. It was time to go. During my time there, I was applying to jobs every single night.

One day, a mental health company called me and asked me to come in for an interview.
I remember exactly where I was, in the Chick-fil-A drive thru. I was so excited and so unprepared for what was about to happen next.

1st of all, I thought that mental health was some part of DHR, turns out, it wasn't.

This was a job that I had just randomly applied for(that I forgot that I applied for) and it was in Auburn(where all of my friends still lived), and well... it was a job. And what a job it was.
Of course I said yes when they offered it. I mean, I needed a job.

I remember the first couple of weeks that I worked there, I was SO excited. My first real job!!! I was excited to be working and out of school, I was excited at the potential of meeting someone I could date. I was just SOOOO excited! But that feeling didn't last.

I started out at $8.36. Oh yes, you read that correctly. $8.36. My insurance totaled out to about $190 each month. And money was docked for non-opting out retirement funds.
In the summer of 2012, I got my first paycheck,  and it was $414.47. I cried. And cried and cried.
I called my mom and cried. She reassured me that it would be ok, but she had no idea that she would have to help me financially for the next 2 years.

My clients had mental issues, so, in a nutshell, they were very demanding, rude, kind, psychotic, manic, depressive... all at once or would pick a mixture of these each week.
I had clients who would take their clothes off, who would lie about me, who would throw chairs when they didn't get their paychecks, who would deal drugs, have promiscuous sex, who were in out of the hospitals, in and out of jail... you name the crazy and I will tell you who.

I was 23 and so young. I didn't know a whole lot about a whole lot.

My boss, who I will call "B", was a 60 year old stressed and anxious kind of man.
He carried this huge burden around.
He was so wound up all the time, and I am sad to say that he didn't know Jesus.
His tone was always very degrading. He was a critical kind of man. He didn't like my facial expressions. I had to leave.

I remember one story that took some time to recover from.
I went out to visit a well know client who had been in the system for years. He was known for bad behavior and drug use and did not have a case manager at the time, so I was it. I had only been working for maybe 7 months at the time.
I and his sister went to his house to see him.
I did something that I should have never done. I let him enter the house after us. When we walked in to his filth ridden home, he would not let us leave. He pushed me up against the wall grabbing my uppers arms, and even though he was a 60 something, I was scared to death. Drugs can make you stronger.
I started screaming (TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME I AM CALLING THE POLICE, TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME)
He did let me go and I ran out, but then he closed the door behind me and his sister started yelling.
I called the police, and fortunately the door opened shortly after. The sister told me he was out of his mind and the police arrived to handcuff him and take him in for drug use.

When I tried explaining why I was so shook up to "B", his response was "Well maybe you're not cut out for this job"..... there was no empathy, no consoling. Nothing.
I went home, showered, got into bed and cried and cried.

I only stayed at this job for about 18 months after this happened. I was so mentally exhausted and so ready to go.
I promised myself to never work with mental health again.

My note to self is to not have any expectations. None whatsoever... ever.

I started a temporary job a couple of months after I left the mental health job, and again... I was so excited!... only for that excitement to turn into hurt.
An insensitive boss plus working in a man's world made for an environment that I did not wish to be apart of.

So now here I am... and starting this job has been so different. I am not excited like I usually am.
And my expectations are low, and I plan to keep them there because unequal expectations equals frustration. I am glad I have ket them low.

So far I have been blessed with a great supervisor, and also some very helpful coworkers.
I have also discovered some folks that I wish to have the least amount of communication as possible.
But I do not hold it against them.... like I said, I'm keeping low expectations.

I'm also selective with whom I share personal info with. At my mental health job, I had a friend that I trusted and confided in.
Unfortunately, that friend betrayed my confidence and told another coworker some sensitive information.
She taught me, in a hurtful way, to just keep your dadgum mouth closed.

It's amazing what life will teach you in 3 years, lets see what the future will teach me.

Girl is a professional

So.... I did it!!!

I got a job that I really wanted! 

The one with the decent salary.

The one where I met all the qualifications. 

The one where I woke up at 6AM on my 26th birthday to get ready for an 8AM test at the facility. 

The one where they didn't call me back after that test. 

The one where I cried over my rejection letter.

The one where 7 months later I got a phone call out of the blue asking me to come in for an interview. 

Yea. I got that job!!

It only took 3 years after graduating for a company to hire me and pay me like I had a college degree. 

So far I'm thrilled bc finally finally I have a very wonderful supervisor. Unfortunately she is retiring in December, but I got to spend the day with her replacement and she is just as wonderful.

When I originally said yes to this position, I thought I would just be dealing with the elderly.

I thought, wow, this is going to be great and a little sad, but it will be understandable because they are old. That's what happens naturally, we age and our bodies wear out. It's very acceptable to deal with death when a senior citizen dies. I thought, sure, my heart could deal with this.

WRONG.

On week 2 I discovered that I would indeed have senior citizens that I would work with, but I would also have a 4 year old, a 34 year old, a 46 year old and others that I have not just yet met.

These people are disabled an unable to care for themselves. Some of their stories are so sad that it makes you use the "Why, God?" question.

So. Two weeks in and I'm scared. I won't lie. I feel as though death will have a new definition in the next year. I feel the same about what it means to live.

As He has done since the day I was born, I know the Lord will use this job to teach me, and I am hoping to gain more character than I could ever imagine.

In only 10 days, I am already faced with some trials. Heart trials. Trials of patience and forgiveness.

GAH I hate forgiving sometimes. Over and over and over and OVER again. But I know it is for the health of my own heart. And to be fair, I've already been forgiven too many times to count, but lets not go there. At least not today.

I am determined to do a good job and reach my full potential.
Even if I never receive praise, or no one notices, I vow to do excellently.
I did not do that at my last case management job. I was young and I was so mad about how very small my paycheck was and frustrated that my clients were mentally inept. I was done before I even started and I am not sure how I last two and a half years.
I could have done a better job but the fact is... I didn't care.
So here's to doing a better job.

I am really excited about my coworkers.
I am trying to have zero expectations at all times, but boy do I ever need friends.
Already, I have people looking out for me and being super friendly.
I'm just hoping for a lunch buddy or two. Maybe someone to share jokes with. Someone.

At my last job as a printing girl, I had a great coworker.
He was always joking and always talked about the Lord.
I sure will miss the joy he carried and his humor at this new place.
It's people like him that make going to work worth it.

Here's to this next year of life of paying off debt.

To getting to travel. 

To becoming professional.
Here's to having a good attitude.
To having grace.
To always forgiving... even when I don't want to.

Cross your fingers that a.) pay day gets here fast because I am so broke and
                                     b.) I get time off approved to spend my 27th in Seattle and Cali

Iztapalapa Wedding

So I went to Mexico for a wedding a couple of weeks ago.

I wish I could tell you that I spent a week there eating authentic food while gazing at beautiful men, but um... It wasn't quite like that. Not even close.

My tender hearted, gorgeous, amazon sister-friend, Allie, got married to a sweet, Jesus loving guy named, Memo. They met during her missionary service in Iztapalapa, Mexico, and the rest is history.

When Allie called to tell me the news I was so thrilled!
But when she told me that the wedding would be in Mexico and that she wanted me to be her maid of honor, my heart sank a little.
How was I going to tell her that I couldn't come because of financial reasons? Before I could even speak, she informed me that her parents were paying my way and were taking care of everything else.

I was so grateful and so excited to get to see where she had been living for the past 2 years and to meet the people she had been talking about in her emails.

When I arrived at the airport I was THRILLED to be greeted by a bunch of tall humans.
Allie is tall, about my height, and her family ranges from average to about 6'2. But then, her neighbors were also attending the wedding and I'm talking guys who were 6'4 and 6'7.
It was so nice to travel and be grouped with other giant individuals who have the same struggles with flying on airplanes with limited leg room.

We arrived Saturday night at around 7:30PM. Allie's wedding was at 5:30PM on Sunday.
Cue the Home Alone music when they're late to the airport.

Dinner ended at 10:30.
Allie's sisters and I stayed at her apartment and put bouquets together and did some last minute things until we all fell asleep at about 3:30AM
We arose around 7 the next morning, we were definitely tired and so incredibly thirsty. (You can't drink the water in Iztapalapa, and Al was out of fresh bottled water)

One thing that is incredibly different about Iztapalapa is that there are food venders on EVERY street corner. So naturally, when we walked out of Al's apt, we took about 200 steps before we reached a fresh orange juice vender.
He squeezed the oranges right in front of us with a steel press and pure the juice into a clear plastic bag, He then placed a straw in the bag and tied a not. The juice was so fresh and sweet. It was a perfect start. We then all bought bottled water and rehydrated.

After that, we were in go mode until Allie walked down the aisle.

A few highlights include:

1. Allie's fiancé locked the keys in the getaway car

2. The wedding party was booked to stay at a honeymoon hotel(Because prostitution is so rapid at regular hotels, and this one was nicer). There were see-thru showers, mood-lighting under the bed, gold glitter floors, and porn on almost every channel... I shared a room with Allie's aunt. Very interesting

3. Allie put on her make-up as we were heading to the wedding

4. We did not get to rehearse the wedding... people pointed to tell the wedding party where to walk

5. We couldn't speak to most people at the wedding because of the language barrier, therefore, there      was a lot smiling

6. The getaway car was decorated in a sombrero and mustache

7. Mexican Coke...so much Mexican coke

8. They had a pan flute band and played the lion king and titanic

9. Every. single. Mexican knew how to dance

10. The mountains in the background

11.When I cut a fresh hydrangea out of the garden for Allie's bouquet

12. When Allie's fiancé forgot his vows

13. When we got the 15 passenger stick shift van stuck on a hill on a major road way

14. When we realized that Allie's elderly neighbors had probably stumbled onto the porn channels

15. When Allie's dad clogged the toilet because you can't flush TP in Mexico


Overall, it was the craziest wedding I have ever been apart of and also my favorite. I wouldn't have changed that experience for anything.

The Cruise

I decided to take a cruise this year. 

And so I did. 

And I went with a really great friend. 

And she's super great, and really laid back and has the mentality of "I like hanging out but I'm also into doing my own thing so we don't have to be joined at the hip, but if you need to be for a little bit, then let me know. " 

She's super great and is a great traveling buddy. 

I really can't say enough great things about her. 

So, I spent a certain amount of time alone during time on the boat. 

It made me overwhelmingly sad and and aware of how single I am. Which is, very single. 

All these couples, and families, and newlyweds. 

All the romance, and laughing, and sharing of personal space with another human. 

Whether a spouse or a child. 

I feel like captain weirdo because I want this. I would trade out "freedom" and responsibility in a heartbeat. 

It's the one constant theme in my life. 

I want it more than a Master's degree. 

More than a paid vacation.

More than a fancy salary. 

More than dessert. 

More than celebrity status. 

I know I know, "why can't this girl stop complaining and just enjoy life?" 

I can hear your thoughts before you even form them. 

If there is even a "you" out there. 

I'm working on it. Everyday. To be satisfied with where I am and with what I have. 

I am so happy that I went on this vacation. Even though it was a set back financially, it was well worth it. And so much fun to do just what I want without concerning others. 

The water in the Bahamas is like none other. 

My favorite thing was being in that water.  When we went to a private island, I spent 90% of the time in the water, staring down at my toes. 

I could have stayed in there all day!!

We made a few dinner friends, whom we sat with each night. They were a cute sister pair, and each as big as my leg. 

They liked to party, and wake up late. 

Cass and I were the old ladies who went to bed early and got up early for breakfast to miss the crowd and have a little peace and quite. 

The food was as good as they say. 

And it is unlimited. 

Buffet style for breakfast and lunch and multiple courses for dinner. We ordered two appetizers, entrees, and desserts for each meal to try them.

Mistakes were made, but YOLO. 

Gosh that food was so good. I still dream about this dessert they served every night called the warm melting cake.

 It touched my soul. 

Also I had a gullywash when we arrived in Nassau. It is probably the most delicious mixed drink I have encountered thus far. 

They take a fresh coconut, wack it open right in front of you with a machete, and the coconut water is poured into a bowl followed by some of the coconut meat which is spooned out. Added to that is rum and sweetened condensed milk. 

All ingredients are put in a blender and then poured into the coconut with a straw. 

After taking a sip, you throw your money plus a tip, plus some more because it's that good, and sip your fine coconut in the sunset. 

The ride back to American soil was a bit rough and I felt dizzy but no nausea thank goodness. 

When I got off the boat, however, the dizziness continued for about 3 days. 

I was a little nervous because I have heard about people who go on cruises and develop this rare condition that they feel like they are on a rocking boat for the rest of their lives. 

Yea, I webmd things quite a lot. 

 

All in all, it was a great 4 days!

I am going to take these "selfish years" and live them to their full potential. 

Coming next is a trip to Mexico, a trip to Chattanooga, and a trip to California.  

If anyone wants to fund these adventures, I accept all donations : ) and by donations, I mean air miles and snacks. 

The Sad Chronicles

I have to say, before I even write this, that I realize there are many, many individuals with far sadder experiences, but this is the part of my journey that I will address as the the "Sad Chronicles".


I'm in my mid 20s and as of late, I feel so.... purposeless. In my head, I know this is not true. I know that I am a daughter of the King, I know that my life is full of purpose and meaning and beauty, but I don't feel it. And I rely heavily on feeling, on intuitiveness, and discernment.

The discerning part of me tries to console me by reminding me of the promises from Heaven... and I believe that, but when you've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and WAITING... it seems like it may never happen.

I have been wanting to get married for what seems a very long time... and it's not something that I can just make happen. I can't make a guy be interested in me(let alone the right guy), or love me... and that's what's so beautiful and terribly frustrating about the human heart.

We have free will in whom we choose to love, therefore, when someone chooses to love you, it is privilege to receive that love.

And oh, how I long for that love.

But I am not desperate... or at least I keep telling myself that.

I also want to be a mom.
Again, I can't control that. I mean sure I could do artificial insemination(which no offense to anyone, but that grosses me out) and yea I could adopt, but I don't want to do it alone. If I am going to make a clear decision, it's going to be to raise children with a mother and father present in their lives... and sure I can't control everyone's destiny, and I understand that people die unexpectedly, but all I'm saying is that I wouldn't choose to have children without a spouse.
So, this also something that I have no control over.

May I just say that marriage and parenthood are a privilege? I see so many people taking it for granted and it... well, it pisses me off.

Like when coworkers state that their spouse is driving them crazy or didn't do this or that, or they dishonor their spouse by talking about them.
1. Talk to your spouse about your marital problems, not your coworkers
2. I understand that marriage is hard, I've never done it, but I understand... think about not having your spouse in your life
3. Try your best not to take them for granted, because they chose to love you

(All perspective of a single person)

A lady I worked with smoked during her last term of pregnancy... it made me cry. She was having a little girl(what I want) AND SHE WAS SMOKING. Many people didn't know she was smoking, and would praise her and say that she was going to be such a good mom. "Good Mom" MY ASS. I bit my tongue and cried in the bathroom on several occasions over this.... yea, I cry in my work bathroom.

I cry in my work bathroom at least twice a week if not more, these days.

I cry for different reasons... here's a few

1. I'm doing clerical work with Bachelor's degree.
2. I want to be a mom.
3. I want to get married.
4. I get paid $9 hourly.
5. I have no community.
6. No one at work will go eat lunch with me.
7. My boss treats me like an idiot.
8. I read the credit card statement of a super rich lady and saw where she spent more at Anthropologie than I earn in a week and a half.


It's just a lonely sad season.

One where Friday and Saturday nights are spent by myself.
One where I keep meeting all these wonderful men who are married with kids(isn't it ironic)
One where I work with a man who is very much similar to the guy I loved so much for so long
One where I am forced to face my issues of jealousy of the wealthy
One where I am community-less

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy 

Psalm 126:5