Freezy Heart Syndrome

I was pressure washing the outside of my mother's home yesterday( I have discovered that I really enjoy outside work)... I was dripping wet with a rain jacket, nike shorts, and chacos. It was also 65 and over cast so I was REALLY cold.

But I didn't care, I didn't care how cold I was, I was determined to finish pressure washing the back and front porches because nothing else in my life was going as planned. I was damn sure going to finish this task. It's the one thing I had control over.

Who have I become? I used to have so much more zeal for life, but here I am, cold, teary, and pressure washing all the dirt off the outside of this house. No emotion. Just lifeless arm zig zags. Back and forth. Back and forth. I felt like a frozen pressure washing zombie.

Here I am struggling to trust the Lord's goodness, but hope seems to be fading and my heart is hurting.

I thought life would look so much different than now.
26. Living at home. Careerless. Significant otherless. Communityless. Moneyless.

My heart felt frozen. I should be this vibrant young thing who loves life and hates TV. But currently I live in my bedroom... under the covers.

I actually miss my former job from hell because at least I felt productive and needed.

Now after 40+ job applications, failed attempts at church community, I feel as though I have fallen into some black hole of disappointment.

I never thought that taking a risk would involve so many messy emotions, but apparently it's some kind of process. One that I am not particularly fond of.

I am thinking, that eventually, this disappointment will melt away and my heart will recover all the heartache endured and that character will be enhanced.
I am trying to hope for that at least.

Singleness vs Holidays

I just had a tantrum, only lasting about 4 seconds, but a full on tantrum. There was kicking, yelling, huffing, and some other gruntled noises of frustration, despair, and a full on WHAT THE F*%K moment. 

I just learned, from Instagram, that this super annoying girl I had a college class with, is now happily married. Yes, the girl who always had stupid stories in class, and who boasted about her mother's famous friends, and her knowledge of psychological diseases.... That girl. Yes, she's married now. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm officially a jealous 4 year old. I'm jealous because she got married before me and she's weird AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL... They got married in the woods... In the Fall(my freaking favorite season), And there are pictures of them running through a field with a mountain back drop... SHOOT ME. 

You know what, maybe he's weird too. And they're just a bunch of weirdos LIVING OUT MY DREAM WEDDING! 

I feel like it's the end or something. Like maybe Revelation end end end. I mean... How in the world is this girl married?? That sounds terrible, but please time travel back with me to January 2012, then spend the next 4 months and go to class with me... You'll see what I mean. 

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not newly married. Maybe it will never happen. 

Oh gosh, but I hope it does. 

Like, either let the end happen and eternity begin or let marriage happen but NOT THE IN-BETWEEN. 

I'm so tired of the in between. It was cool when I was like 0-24... But now I'm 26 and I can already hear the faint cry of my ovaries... "Lacey, it's time for motherhood... " creepy right? But unfortunately, your body will tell you so many things that you "should be doing" because YOUR body doesn't know how to be single. Whether it's longing to be a parent or to hold hands with a significant other... And a whole long list of others... Your body will remind you. 

So, watching other people go on dates has turned into an eye rolling fest... EXCEPT the cute elderly dates... Which, at this rate, I feel like I might go on my first date when I'm 68. 

And so so so many of my friends are married or engaged. It's so great, but dude, this storyline is getting old... You know, the one where I stay single while couples get together all around me? I would compare it to a sad movie... Maybe like The Fox and The Hound. (Which I haven't seen since I was 13 because it's incredibly depressing)

So does this dude(my dude)even exist or what??? 

I won't even disgust you with my hopes of romance and I won't tell you how much I love Mr Darcy, but still...

I'm tired of the in between, and the appreciation of single life... Yes I appreciate it! Now let's move on!

Because I've been doing it FOREVER! 

I'm not desperate for love or for marriage, I'm just pissy because it's the holidays and I'm single. 

The rest of the year, I'll be fine, and double tap every•single•wedding picture.