Behind Me

All I remember is your face. When you looked at me in non-belief.
Disgust curved your lip and hurt sat upon your brow.
I had never seen this face before and I was taken back. I had hurt you.
And you allowed for me to know that.
You rarely allowed me to know your feelings, but what I had said had hurt you greatly and I could see that plainly.

I don't even remember what I had said. Usually, I have a really great memory, but I can't even remember. I barely remember the issue that had taken place.

I do remember the emotion.
Rejected.
And how it had dominated most of our relationship.
I was so wrapped up in unhealthy rejection issues and you seemed so very prideful and insensitive.
I wanted some kind of emotion from you. So I said something with the intent of hurting you.
I didn't think it would hurt you, because you seemed to dodge hurt.
And in the few years I had known you, I had never seen you hurt.

But I saw this. I saw your face. I heard your response.
I remember what your response was and how it frustratingly and painfully streamed out of your mouth.
I remember feeling like I had just slapped you verbally and thinking how could I have done this.
I just wanted acceptance. Unconditionally.

We didn't stop being friends and you forgave me. I hope.
And to this day, you still accept me.

I made a decision to change.
Made a decision to pursue the Lord and surrender my heart.

Now
I don't even recognize who I was then.
I was living in a world called rejection.
Looking back on this situation(which) is one of several and with several friends(unfortunately), I think of how icky that was and what a waste of MY time it was.
The enemy delights in distracting us. I would know. 
Instead of crying over some other's acceptance of me, I could have been doing so many more things.
Like... building new relationships, reading books, accomplishing goals, spending time with the Lord, or blogging, etc. etc. etc.

Even though I am not proud of those scenarios.
I am grateful for them.
I was in a place where emotions and responses looked like a Jenga tower.
Very unstable and built on a small foundation.
But I could not be where I am today without experiencing those rounds of Jenga.

I needed the Lord, I needed firm foundation, and I needed to know who I was.
He took my ashes and gave me double portion.
He threw away that Jenga tower and gave me a foundation made out of truth.

Praise the Lord

I am not who I was in those yesterdays.
He has delivered me.
He has lifted me up.
He has healed my heart and called me accepted and whole.
Where there was pain, He has taken it away and replaced with joy.
I'm a new creation, constantly morphing into more and more newness.
My thought life is healthier, freer, happier, wiser.
All because of my sweet Jesus.
He is constantly redefining my thoughts.
There are still old emotions and thoughts that try to come back.
But I know who I am and I know where I'm going.

There's no going back to old ways. I have left those behind.
I will persevere into the future and into what the Lord holds for me with faith.

It's a new season, yall.



This story is for someone. Take it. Trust Him.