I was pressure washing the outside of my mother's home yesterday( I have discovered that I really enjoy outside work)... I was dripping wet with a rain jacket, nike shorts, and chacos. It was also 65 and over cast so I was REALLY cold.
But I didn't care, I didn't care how cold I was, I was determined to finish pressure washing the back and front porches because nothing else in my life was going as planned. I was damn sure going to finish this task. It's the one thing I had control over.
Who have I become? I used to have so much more zeal for life, but here I am, cold, teary, and pressure washing all the dirt off the outside of this house. No emotion. Just lifeless arm zig zags. Back and forth. Back and forth. I felt like a frozen pressure washing zombie.
Here I am struggling to trust the Lord's goodness, but hope seems to be fading and my heart is hurting.
I thought life would look so much different than now.
26. Living at home. Careerless. Significant otherless. Communityless. Moneyless.
My heart felt frozen. I should be this vibrant young thing who loves life and hates TV. But currently I live in my bedroom... under the covers.
I actually miss my former job from hell because at least I felt productive and needed.
Now after 40+ job applications, failed attempts at church community, I feel as though I have fallen into some black hole of disappointment.
I never thought that taking a risk would involve so many messy emotions, but apparently it's some kind of process. One that I am not particularly fond of.
I am thinking, that eventually, this disappointment will melt away and my heart will recover all the heartache endured and that character will be enhanced.
I am trying to hope for that at least.
No comments:
Post a Comment