girls and cars

Reader, can you hear it?

My pulse?                Of course you can't...

I can hear it though, and feel it, as it beats sorrowfully through the arteries of my neck and heart. The thump thump thump heavy thump and the heartache of life set in my bones

During life's mishaps, I forget to be grateful. I often focus on the unfair part. I'd like to change that.

Today, my beloved X'terra of 10 years started spewing transmission fluid. What the fuuuuuh...
To say the least, the repair is worth thousands $$$$$$$

In about 5 months time, I have repaired so many things on this car. I wanted her to keep running smoothly for a few more years. I honestly can't deal anymore. It hurts. There's a lot of emotion connected with this car. She saw me the last day of high school, the first day of college, the last day of college, my trip to the west coast. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!

Ugh and I was just telling this guy the other night about how she was aging gracefully.
To say the least, I am ready to have a car where I don't have to worry so much.

I think I'll stop here with my X'terra, it's just too painful, but I'll hold on to the memories forever.

Buying a car is not usually a fun process. It's an another expense to add on to the mountain of debt. Unless you've got money saved up, buying a car is not that enjoyable.
And that's what I'm having to do. By myself.

The buying the car part is ok, but doing it alone makes me want to curl up in fetal position and cry. Sure, this will be a liberating experience, but let's be honest, reader, it's a sexist industry, and I am the naive, 20 something woman who needs a car quick. Damn.

And just when I think I'm really making strides on knocking out my debt. I have to take a step back. That's the part that seems so God awful. Debt debt debt debt d...e...b... t.......... it's haunting.

Like, when the hell am I going to get to visit Alaska, and The Chatsworth House in Derbyshire? At this rate, maybe 35.

I just feel very alone in this process.

I have already narrowed down assumed responses to the situation from different family members.

If I were to ask advice on what to do:

subject a. This person will think I'm trying to borrow money
subject b. This person will inform me that it wouldn't be so hard if I lived closer to home
subject c. This person always seems annoyed when I ask for their advice

I have decided to spare myself from such possible responses. I am very prideful in this way.

Reality checked in and reminded me that I have to have a car for my job. So, here's to hoping it's a positive experience.


Moving On----

I have to remind myself of what it is to live a resilient life. To have a resilient heart. And to not get so bent out of shape.